One of the most terrible positions to be is in a place where you are not secure. Be it at home, school, a gathering, with family, or even in a relationship — as long as you are insecure, it’s not a place you want to be. And today we especially want to talk about how you can stop feeling insecure in a relationship.
Being insecure in a relationship is not something new. In fact, it is as common as relationships themselves.
Have you ever found yourself seeking compliments from your partner all the time, demanding unnecessary attention, or asking way too many questions like:
- Where are you going?
- Who is he?
- Why was she so close to you?
- Who were you talking to over the phone that made you sound so nice?
Well, the reason you are working yourself up in that manner is because of insecurity. You simply don’t feel confident in that relationship. Most insecure people don’t feel safe irrespective of how much their partners try to prove their love and loyalty to them.
Why do people feel insecure in relationships?
Now, the main question is; why do people feel insecure? The feeling of insecurity comes when you are yet to deal with the root cause of a negative mindset.
This might be as a result of something unconnected to the relationship but mainly related to you as a person — like low self-confidence, low self-esteem, poor ego, lack of self-belief, low self-worth, and the likes. With all these elements, you will always feel like you are not good enough. That’s how insecurity sets in.
On the other hand, your insecurities can be as a result of the kind of relationship you are into. For instance, if you are in a toxic entanglement where your partner doesn’t meet your emotional needs, or where your partner is hell-bent on sabotaging your self-worth, you are very likely to feel insecure over time.
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Stop feeling insecure in a relationship
Either way, (whether your insecurity is stemmed from your own inadequacies or that of your partner) the fact remains that there are certain ways to stop feeling insecure in a relationship — and that will be the focal point of this article!
In general, putting an end to insecurities in a relationship can only be feasible if you learn to connect well with your partner, speak the language they understand, and above all, communicate with them. Failing to meet these 3 primary requirements will make it more difficult to make any headway in creating a relationship that feels safer.
Going further, here are some tips that will help you stop feeling insecure in a relationship:
1. Meet Each Other’s Needs
There are certain important needs that must be met in a relationship if it’s going to be safe and healthy. Understanding those necessities is important in every relationship — especially a relationship that is somewhat torn apart by insecurity.
Here are some basic needs that should naturally be met:
- Certainty: As long as a relationship is concerned, we all crave to feel certain that we won’t be hurt or disappointed by our partners.
- Variety: Another thing most people desire in life is variety. Nobody wants to be stuck in a boring routine. Hence, we all want to be in a relationship where partners can easily flip the switch (yeah, think of those TikTok videos) and navigate from a boring situation to a lively one.
- Significance: It’s a fact; everyone wants to feel valued. We always prefer being in a relationship where we feel significant. In fact, one of the biggest reasons people feel unsafe in a relationship is because they already doubt their importance.
- Connection: Once it comes to relationships, nothing is more important to partners than creating a connection between each other. That’s the only way they can understand and appreciate each other!
- Contribution: Nobody wants to be in a place that doesn’t contribute to their welfare. Nobody will intentionally walk into a relationship that will literally sap the life out of them.
- Growth: Finally, you will definitely feel insecure in a relationship that doesn’t contribute to your personal growth. Trust me, we all need to be in a place where we keep improving.
If you are in a relationship and these 6 basic needs are far from being met, you and your partner will not feel comfortable. You will always have the need to ask yourselves lots of questions. You’ll always suspect each other’s moves and often feel like you’re being cheated on.
If you must deal with this type of situation, you have to communicate with your significant other. Both of you need to confirm your respective demands — starting with these basic 6.
Thereafter, you can start making efforts to meet those demands. And by so doing, you and your partner will feel more loved and valued in the relationship.
2. Stop Making It All About You
People, people, another thing you should acknowledge is that the relationship isn’t all about you!
A self-centered perception will always cause you to see threats where they don’t exist. In fact, you’ll simply be chased by a non-existent problem.
If your partner decides not to go out with you in the evening, you shouldn’t start assuming it’s all because of you. After all, there is a possibility they had a tough day at work and are already too tired to go out again!
Enough of the psycho-analysis. Enough of the guesswork. You shouldn’t always pick hidden meanings from every word your partner says and relate it directly to yourself.
At any point you don’t understand your partner, politely ask them what they mean. Because if you try to figure out the hidden message yourself, chances are you will end up creating a horrible mental picture, and hence, you will easily feel personally attacked!
You should not be too obsessed about yourself or about how your partner treats you. In most cases, they actually mean well. You are probably only creating a mountain out of a molehill.
3. Stop Making It All About Your Partner
On the other hand, you shouldn’t make the relationship all about your partner either. Keyword? Balance.
If you often find yourself blaming your partner for any single incident, mind you, such an attitude can make both of you feel insecure. The same way it is wrong to be self-centered in a relationship, so it is to be all over your partner.
Your baby/boo/honey/sugar/potato or whatever you call him or her really needs some space at times.
For instance, whenever there is silence during a conversation, you don’t necessarily have to ask them what they’re thinking, and why they’re thinking that. Sometimes, it’s okay to cuddle with your partner and enjoy the silence together.
Nobody actually needs to be all over the other person.
4. Don’t Overthink It
Your thoughts are enough to either build your relationship or destroy it entirely. I can’t stress this enough.
Whatever you spend time thinking about your relationship truly matters, because the quality of the thoughts or feelings you have towards the relationship goes a long way to determine how far that relationship will take you.
Have you ever found yourself overthinking everything to the extent that you get so bothered by ideas like;
- I’m sure he’ll get bored and tired of me soon.
- What if she leaves like the others?
- What made him fall for me in the first place?
- Am I ever going to satisfy her?
If you always harbor such thoughts, just take note of this; they are mostly not real — you are just overthinking the whole thing and getting worked up for nothing.
This particular insecurity is mainly caused by fears. And those anxieties are not substantial because what you are worried about doesn’t really exist — you actually invented them in your head.
For instance, when you were worrying about what prompted your partner to fall for you in the first place, was it really necessary to worry about that? I mean, is it not possible for your partner to fall for something as simple as your smile?
Now, you understand why I mentioned that your worries are unreal. You are only insecure because of the fears you invented in your head.
5. Don’t Judge Your Partner Based On Your Past Relationship
Many of us have been in a bad relationship once or twice. And often, we make the mistake of judging our present partners based on those terrible past experiences.
When you walk out of a toxic relationship, it’s best you give yourself some time to heal completely and move on with life before considering a new relationship.
Getting into another relationship immediately after breaking free from a toxic one can make you feel insecure with your new partner. You have to avoid such situations by all means.
Now, if you are already in a new relationship but you’re finding it tough to get over your past experiences, you need to always remind yourself that your new partner is an entirely different person and should be cared for as such.
Judging your partner based on your past is like making another person a victim of your own circumstance. It’s so unfair.
6. Don’t Be Too Quick To Blame, Rather, Communicate
Another way to avoid feeling insecure in a relationship is by avoiding blame — whether on your partner or yourself.
Blaming yourself will make you feel more insecure than ever. In fact, self-blame is the fastest route to insecurity in any facet of life. Whether at work, when dealing with your peers, or in your relationship.
Self-blame makes you feel guilty even before being accused. You feel like you are wrong even when you are not. When you are so immersed in self-blame, you will find yourself asking your partner; “What have I done? Tell me so I can apologize” – even when you’ve actually done nothing wrong!
One horrible thing about blaming yourself (in this manner) is that you may appear desperate and defeated. And as such, you will become very repulsive to your partner.
I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t take the blame or apologize when necessary, I’m only saying you shouldn’t be so eager to blame yourself from the very start.
Blaming your partner
However, while you are not advised to blame yourself, you shouldn’t be too hungry to lay blames on your partner either. When you are always too quick to blame your partner, over time, they might learn to become defensive.
No sane person would always want to take unnecessary blame — your partner is no exception. No matter how nice they are, once they notice that you are too quick to blame them even when they’re not at fault, they’ll definitely get defensive.
Consequently, both of you might start playing blame games. And if nothing is done about that, the next game that will kick off in the relationship is the game of “victim cards”.
Now, here is the way forward: Instead of blaming your partner or yourself, you just have to create a moment for conversation. Communicate your grievances or suspicions to them in the most decent way, and find out if they did what you suspected and why they did it.
It is only through communication that a resolution can be reached peacefully without any form of fight. Moreover, with effective communication, nobody will feel insecure.
7. Stop Feeling Threatened Over Nothing
It’s normal to have friends outside a relationship — and quite healthy actually.
Your partner might have a friend of the opposite sex at his workplace, not because they’re sexually attracted to each other, but because they professionally work well together.
You have to understand that people (of the opposite sex) can be friends and nothing more. You don’t have to allow yourself to get worked up over nothing.
No matter how suspicious you feel, avoid the urge to check your partner’s phone. As much as it makes you feel safe when you see nothing bad in there, it can easily become a habit. And trust me, it won’t be funny to your partner if they notice you are always monitoring them.
Finally, no matter how awful insecurity is, the fact remains that we always feel that way at some point. However, you can always try to be more secure with your partner than insecure!
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